Lyrics and potions of my thoughtful mind

5:30am

2007-08-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's early, real early. I've woken up and can't get to sleep again. Hoards of thoughts and ideas are going through my mind - about people, jobs, situations but more than that, about possibilities.
Then it strikes me, my life has always been about these possibilities. It's been like that since I was 10 seconds old. Every day I want something new, every time I go out in the evening, every time I meet people, everywhere I go something has to be different. It's like I crave the ever changing nature of life.
I know I could ever go to a class and be happy doing it every Tuesday at 7:30pm. I don't think I would ever be content meeting the same people at the same pub at the same time every week regularly, I would get bored.
This anti-neutrality of situation pervades all aspects of my life. You will have noticed it most with my job situation. Or should I say situations.
Change, constant change, variation, lack of sameness, rotation, movement, vibration. All is good.

If the most torturous fate
was a mind, caged,
who would understand?

If you always found life's elixir
in striving rather than getting,
who would understand?

If you gambled rather than nest-egged
and hit jackopt once of seven,
who would understand?

(from 'The nudist on the late shift' by Po Bronson)

To be me

2007-05-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

To be, is to be curious,
all different, complex.
A multitude of people
all fighting at once.
Teacher, counsellor,
mediator, priest,
poet, writer, cooker of feasts.

An indigo, crystal, INFP.
A da vinci, star child,
a bringer of peace.
A learner, wiseman, passer of trade,
of knowledge from ancients
most recently betrayed.

I bring you an answer
a truth for our time,
the facts that you need
are buried inside.

To show it, to heal it
needs a measure of trust,
friends who will honor you
not grind you to dust.

Some time spent on purpose,
lets you discover your star.
Some time spent discovering
just who you are.

But don’t listen to me
to tell you your answer,
be curious and hopeful
grow up to be a life dancer.

Someone who is fearless
in the face of resent
and one who can vault anothers highest greatest fence.

Like I said it’s all hidden to see in plain view
Watch your own private mirror
to discover the true you.

Ghosts and realities – shame and criticisms from my past and how they affect my future

2007-05-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

Dear teachers, early influencers,
and those from my school days,

This goes out to you all. All of you who criticised my actions, laughed at what I was saying, smirked behind my back at the true expressions of myself and those of you who shouted “How dare you?” when I did not understand the consequences of my actions.

You may ask “What did I do wrong?” and I am here to tell you.

You locked away my own truth, you pushed the true me and the actions by which I express myself into a dark corner. You did this both emotionally, with your sarcastic ego trips and physically when you sent me for punishment.

Every time you did this (I don’t know if you noticed this or not) I took it in. I drank your criticism like it was water laced with poison, and then shrunk away like a scolded puppy.

Over time, these retributions for my supposed ‘transgressions’, built walls between ‘me’ and the outward expression of myself. And they now impose a limit on what I am willing to express of myself. They have shamed me into conforming to your rules.

I feel what I now know as shame whenever I express myself. So early in a creative process does this shame kick in. that in many instances I never even get to the first stage of any activity I do. I prefer to hide my dreams away believing somehow that they are pointless or wrong.

I am extremely proud of those things I have achieved those times I have fully seen a project through. More often than not though I have been forced to by other people and criticised because of my actions.

For example:

Under duress I wrote a play for my ‘house’ play competition while at school. This was forced upon me by you emotional bullies who wanted nothing to do with it. From time to time you would come into my room, look at and then criticise what I had written. I remember thinking (note the ironic turn of phrase) “How dare you put down my work when you are just sitting there on your backsides doing nothing but pretending you are more important than me.”

The play really was a painful birth. However, when it was shown it turned out my writing had perfectly captured the attitudes of those emotional bullies playing it and the audience loved it. I will remember for the rest of my life the person (a peer) who came up to me at the end to tell me he thought it was a great play. I will also remember sitting in the gallery watching my peers fall about laughing to what I had written. (I should add that it only last 10 minutes until it was thrown off for “…not being in the spirit of the house play competition”!).

One further example was my ski trip to Canada where I know a number of you [whether ghosts in my memories or people around at the time] were criticising my actions believing it wasn’t going to lead anywhere, it wasn’t going to lead to a ‘proper job’ or ‘it’s just another one of Andy’s dreams’. Well people, it gave me more than a ‘proper job’ could ever have done. It gave me hope, courage, discipline, insight, strength of character and faith in my own abilities. So screw you.

Here we are folks in 2007 and those ghosts and realities have been affecting me all this time. However I forgive you. And I forgive that part of me taking on board what you were saying. You were not doing it intentionally; you may even have been doing it because you believed you were helping.

If you fall into this category and are feeling criticised by all this I would ask you do one thing. Recognise when you are criticising someone else using your beliefs on how the world should be. Recognise that everyone has their own way of doing things which isn't necessarily wrong. More importantly recognise when you are shooting him or her down for doing their own thing. Then apologise if possible and make a mental not to catch yourself earlier next time.

That’s it. Thanks for reading. I am off down to the framers to get my ‘school play’ poster posthumously mounted and put up in its proper place, on my wall.

2007-04-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

"We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing". - Unknown

2007-04-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

"To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top." Robert M Pirsig

On Work.....

2007-02-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

"Do we abdicate our personal responsibility to an employer and effectively clock off as soon as we clock on?"
The Big Issue, September 11-17 2006

Night Walker

2007-02-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

"Why do I feel like a fish out of water, out of time
out of place and out of space.

The concrete menagerie that surrounds me as I walk
oppresses and depresses me.

Frustrated now I walk through the dark lit streets
alone with my steadily stepping feet.

To leave is going nowhere and to stay
is no-place better. Stuck between
a rock and a free place,
unsteadily balancing between the two."

I wrote this after a walk home early hours of the morning pushing through gorgeous light misty drizzle. It made me think of how I can feel like an outsider, different. All these people in their brick houses and me, the nomad, going past, different than all the rest.

The Nature of Fear and how it affects us

2007-02-16T05:16:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me recently......

> How can we stay strong and fearless to help others open themselves up?

I think we grow strong and fearless by opening *ourselves* up. Obvious, right? :)

We do that by *experiencing* that which we fear thus becoming more aware and confident about ourselves. It's also important to realise that all fear is false and you can deal with whatever it is. Now you don't have to necessarily 'like' what it is you are fearing, but just to know you can do whatever it is or overcome you fears is powerful in itself.

Fear is an interesting one which I could write a book about. I have realised that when you fear something it has nothing to do with the thing/act itself. It is scary beause you make it so, you are actually projecting that fear onto the said object/action. e.g "i am afraid of mice"...."Mice" are not scary.

ALSO and perhaps most importantly , what you fear may well happen, if you don't fear it, the chances are it won't. Ever noticed that? I believe it's because you get what you wish for, or more investigatively, you get what you focus on.
Say somebody you are speaking to hates mice. What you believe you will achieve, and you hate to be wrong about something right? They are so scared that the mouse will jump on them that they will actually put yourself in positions where it can. Why, to prove that themselves right.

Ritalin, Chocolate and Speed

2006-11-08T13:50:00.000-08:00

I taught a child with ADHD/ADD how to ski once, perhaps it was fate

that i should be chosen to do it, anywho......after being put on skis

for the first time the kid took a while to calm down and just as he

did so,his mum came over (the loveliest person) and gave him a

chocolate bar. In my mind I was screaming "what do you think you

are doing, that'll make it worse".

But it didnt.

She kindly offered me a lift down the mountain that evening as I had

no way of getting down. I was very interested in his 'condition' and

she told me that the doctors had wanted to put him on Ritalin, which

she explained was a legal form of speed. In ADHD kids it has the

opposite effect as non-adhd kids. And so it was with cafeine. I was

incredulous! Not only at the effect but I knew from reading a Doreen

Virtue book, the numbing effect of Ritalin.

(I can see why the doctors prescribed it though. Welcome to medieval

Canada).

The next week,she brought him up again and personallly requested me.

That felt good :)

THIS time she brought some cocoa covered coffee beans and asked me to

give him one every time he became jittery. Yes, it worked,although one

every five minutes was given and I ended up running out of them!

Fueled by Desire

2006-09-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

From time to time I get restless, need a new challenge, get itchy feet some might say. That time is coming around again. I have some choices to make and will be making them very soon. For now, in a restless mood I created this poem. I hope you like it and that it touches something inside you.

Fuelled by desire
-------------------

It's freedom I want, I just want to run,
I want to be somewhere adorned by the sun.
Is it fear or destiny hate anger or greed,
or a lust for adventure, my will to be freed.

I want freedom and liberty, adventure and fun,
to be happy belong, be all I can become.

The sunlight on my body the breeze on my clothes,
the feel of the rain the touch of the snows.
The wind in the trees the lightning's sharp sound,
the sounds of horses speeding fast over ground.

The touch of another punctuated by smiles,
the faces that frown I slap and meanwhile,
the simplicity of laughter the lust for a chase
with the thrill of adventure and life mapped out in haste.

I know I'll survive when it all comes around
its what I want so I know it, I feel it, I've found
a piece of me hidden, wrapped up in old clothes
reopened like Christmas it's gold and it glows.
Like a light in the darkness kept hidden and safe
awaiting a circumstance to be revealed and put in place

Soon to be fashioned in modern ways you see,
not long now and all will be, me.

----------------

As always, comments are welcome and most appreciated. Thanks.
Andy

Let it out

2006-09-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

Is it any wonder why you're suffering?
tail in the dirt
Is it any wonder why you're suffering?
when you've been left in the lurch
Is it any wonder why your hearts breaking
when you're so out of touch
Is it any wonder why your heart's aching
when you're so out of love

Forever seem such a long time
to be without a guide
and now your times getting short
it's all going to fast

Your love is there
it feels like its going to burst

if you don't let it out.
------------------------------------------

Where are you?

2006-09-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

You're flitting around
with nothing to do
your hearts in a mess
your head is confused
Flinching to believe in yourself
doubting your power
your joy, your wealth

Where are you
where are you?

Believe in your love,
your light, your power
hold it inside
bathe in its happy side
watch it unfold

Where are you
where are you?

When you find it, let me know
so i can believe in where i can go
Its must be so simple
easy to see
easy to become all i can be

Where are you
what is it to be
how can i find it
deep inside me.

Where are you
where are you?
------------------------------------

Poem

2006-09-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Over the bridge of her nose,
she looked down at me
she held my secret for no-one to see.
her absolute power showed in her face
as she slapped me she grinned
left me aching in disgrace.

I tried to recover
that sense of fresh will
to hide my own naure
oh god for a pill.

To end this ache
this masque and disguise
to hide all the lonleyness
i feel deep inside.

I feel like the man following the rest
alone in this world not more, but, less.
I'm different and scared
searching my soul which i bare
the truth that i hold with infinite care
is like a light in a cell deep in my soul
the floor of my dungeons so achingly cold

I feel like i'm waiting
for time to unravel
my dust free feet longing to travel
Hold on my love
for now i must wait, ground myself
and find a home base

I know that in time
all will be free
and i will become and learn
to be, me.
-------------------------------------------

Quotes to inspire

2006-08-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here is only one success - to be able to spend your life in
your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims
upon it. ~ Christopher Morley

Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch
the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark
Twain

Hi All,

2006-07-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Hi welcome to this new blog. It is a side branch from my original blog, skiprophoto. This will house all my thoughts on life, whereas skiprophoto will continue with what i have been doing recently, my photos and no doubt a few rantings.

I find this way of expression very satisfying, even if being wired from typing and staring at a computer screen just before going to bed is NOT the best thing my sleep patterns. I think it mucks up my body clock.....so i am getting jet lag just typing this....GREAT!!

:)

Enjoy and i hope my insights give you a glimpse into your own life as i believe that fundamentally, we are all the same.